Hawaiian Snow Cones

Hawaiian Snow Cones

Where did you go?
The last memory I have of you was the night before just before we lost power from the storm. I know the exact moment too, 7:45. I was watching a repeat of King of the Hill in our bedroom. From the window I could see the clouds blanketing over the sky. A piercing bright vain burst out from the chariot of the dark clouds. Thunder soon followed the flash of light. It crackled its way down to the earth rumbling the house from its foundations. Then that’s when you came in the room. You dived in to bed and splashed the sheets and pillows on to the floor. You were always afraid of thunder. You buried your head under my arm just to hush the noise. Other times you would lay your head on my chest listening to the beating of my heart hoping that the rhythm would beat the competition of the thunder. Your big brown chocolate eye, that’s what always got me. I was constantly a sucker for those eyes. At times I would get lost in them. Other times I would just endlessly stare at them. I remember that time you left without telling me. You came back though. But how could I stay so mad at you? Just one look is all it took, one look with those droopy puppy eyes that you had special training in showcasing. Just one look and my heart fell -

Do you remember those rainy days, where all we did is mope around?
Where did you go?



Was it because I yelled at you?
Before that you were asleep on the couch, twitching. Did you have a bad day? I meant to ask you that. I’m sorry that I forgot. You always like to hear about my day, you never interrupted me. I remember coming home from work one day, such a bad day. It started off bad that morning. I had to change clothes because I spilled coffee on my shirt. Walking down the stairs my messenger bag opened and the papers spatter out everywhere. Then I had to put them back in order. I must have been running at least forty five minutes late, but you were so patient with me. You didn’t yell, you didn’t sigh, and you didn’t even give me a look. You just stood there waiting. You tried to help me, but I was too fucking pissed off at myself, I egoistically yelled at you, “I CAN GET IT MYSELF!” But you were only trying to help. You stepped aside and let me have my moment. My selfish moment. You said goodbye to me, but I was still in that moment. I just slammed the door and left you alone. All day I thought to myself what a dick I was to you that morning. I came home from work that day, and for some reason you were happy to see me. It was like that morning never happened. You never brought it up-

Did I ever thank you for that?
Was it because I yelled at you?
Do you remember those rainy days, where all we did is mope around?
Where did you go?

Remember when I took you to the beach?
You had never been. I could tell because as we drove over the causeway you stuck you head out the wind smelling the gulf salty air. For me it was different. I could smell my childhood in gulf. The endless amounts of suntan lotion that mom made me put on, but no matter how many layers of lotion I had on me, I still got sun burned. The smell of charred hotdogs also struck me as we crossed over the cause way. I heard my parents debating that the wieners were done. “None of that this weekend, we’re having stakes”, I thought to myself. I watched you close your eyes as you took it in. You were in heaven. When you opened your eyes they grew to the size of a melon. I know how you love to swim at the lake. I could only imagine what you were feeling inside when you saw the ocean. You almost jumped out of the car! And you did when we finally got to the beach house. You ran to the back where the ocean greeted your feet. I caught up with you and there you waited. You were so happy; the smile on your face was the best part of that day. It covered you entire face. I wanted to settle in before we actually went in the water, but then those damn eyes of yours suckered me again. I dropped everything I had and headed towards you. You jumped with so much oomph you touched the sky. I caught you in mid air and threw you in the water. You didn’t seem to like that. But you got over it. You splashed for hours. I sat to the side watching you, and you had too much energy stored in you. You went at it until the sun started to float on the sea and the cool breeze settled in. I got tired just by watching you all evening-

Didn’t you have fun that day?
Remember when I took you to the beach?
Did I ever thank you for that?
Was it because I yelled at you?
Do you remember those rainy days, where all we did is mope around?
Where did you go?

Did you think you were the only one that lost some one?
That month was hard. Right It was the same month that mom died. Mom always loved you. She always looked forward seeing you when we visited her. He face lit up like it was Christmas. I’d never told you this, but I got jealous of the two of you. I reminded myself that you didn’t have a mother of your own, and mom was yours just as well as mine. Now I know why you took her death hard, hard just as I did. We sat in her hospital room, but they wouldn’t let you in because you weren’t family. With mom’s last small degree of energy, she demanded that you be in the room with us. That was her last dying wish, to see you face before she left us. You rested you head in the palm of her hands as she staggery spoke her last words to you and only you, “Thank you…for talking care of him…and for keeping him out of trouble.” Then the life in her eyes faded and the electrocardiograph machine flat line above us. It was the worse sound we ever heard. You howled in to the now lifeless air. I had to take you out of the room. She loved you. I was shattered after that; I had no intention of living as well. You were there to build me up, pick up the pieces of who I used to be-

Did you know that others cared for you?
Did you think you were the only one that lost some one?
Didn’t you have fun that day?
Remember when I took you to the beach?
Did I ever thank you for that?
Was it because I yelled at you?
Do you remember those rainy days, where all we did is mope around?
Where did you go?

Did you remember our plans?
Every evening just before the sun would hide itself on the horizon we would take are ritual walk through the park. That was my favorite part of the day. We took the nature trail because I know how you love to see the squirrels, you always tried to catch one. Autumn was your favorite time of the year to talk our walks. The bushy tailed rodents were everywhere collecting and preparing for their upcoming winter slumber. The rusty color leaves fluttered from the sky, I’d watch you as you tried to catch them in your mouth. Every Wednesday we would take the alternate route. It sidelined by the neighborhood pool and the children’s playground. That was our pit stop for our evening snack. You always heard the heavenly bells of Mr. Stand’s Galaxy Ice Cream truck first. You would tilt your head towards the direction of the bells until the sound registered with the image of your favorite snow white vanilla flavored ice cream, and the crunchy waffle cone that hugged the ice cream in its secured place. “And let’s add some rainbow sprinkles! Always free of charge for the pretty blond of course”, he would say to you. Then we would sit at our bench and watch the sun set down with its brilliant pinks and oranges highlighting the sky. The clouds were gently brushed in to the sky. Then old man winter blew in forcefully. But that didn’t stop us from our walks. One day it was so cold that we didn’t get to take a walk. You’ve been inside all day, you were inching to leave the house. Not even you favorite black sweater would of kept you warm. That’s when I told you about my plan. “Let’s move to Hawaii.” Yeah, Hawaii! The weather is always nice, no cold winters, no hot summers. Mild all year round. We could live on the beach, you can practically go swimming all year round. And they have this thing over there called a Hawaiian Snow Cone. What they do is they shave a huge block of ice- shaved ice makes it fluffier and flakier like real snow…that’s kinda funny if you think about it. The Hawaiians can make snow cones that look and feel like snow, better than those people who actually live in it up north. OH!!!And the best part is that before they put the ice and syrup in the cone…get ready…they put a scoop of ice cream at the bottom. Yeah..I know right! Fucking geniuses!” That was the plan…but you didn’t stay long enough. You didn’t stay to see it through. Now when I take my walks, it’s like I’m walking in total darkness. Your bright smile is not there to light the way home. Sunsets are just meaningless colors. I sit on the bench eating ice cream for one now-
What about are walks in the park? I bought ice cream for the two of us.

Did you remember our plans?
Did you think you were the only one that lost some one?
Didn’t you have fun that day?
Remember when I took you to the beach?
Did I ever thank you for that?
Was it because I yelled at you?
Do you remember those rainy days, where all we did is mope around?
Where did you go?

Do you remember how we met?
The power must have come back on early in the morning. When I woke up the clock was annoying flashing 12:00am. I looked to the right side of me and you weren’t there. I thought to myself that you might have gotten hot with the power off and went to your room. I walked through the hallway in to the restroom. The tiles on the bathroom floor held hostage the icy coldness that the night had brought. I called out your name asking where my slippers are, you had them last night. You didn’t respond or follow my voice. Walking back in the hallway this time through to your room. The hallway was a museum of pictures of you with family and friends. The photos were shot with my fathers ancient 35mm SLR Nikon F camera. He only used the camera once or twice until he found out that the Japanese manufacture it. The pictures looked like they came out of one of those black and white turn of the century films. My favorite one is the one of you at the beach. This time the family came along with us. You and dad where playing with the frisbee. You darted across the sand dunes and the like a rocket, take off in to space catching the frisbee. I have that memory etched in my mind, you should have taken that photo with you. I walked in your room and you weren’t there on your bed.
I saw the collar that you wore the first day we met. By your pink bowl next to the exaggerated white t-bone shaped rugged. It seemed like angles and demons were having the last battle in the sky above the city, it was the end of days. The hurricane would hit in a few hours ,and like the typical American I did some last minute boarding up the windows thinking that the hurricane would not hit. I heard you whimpering under the house. And there you were, wet down to your bones. You growled at me as I reached for you, but you snapped at me with your canines and almost took my finger. I gave you the finger and told you to eat it and walked back to the front side of the house. The rain was coming down harder, it slapped the back of my neck harder and harder as I finished the last board on the window. I ran back to porch and then there you were passed out, tired from trying to stay alive. Like a new born baby I carried you and brought you in to the house. I dried you off and your blond hair started to show. I put you in what was – in now what is your room, bedding made of towels and sheets. I shut the door to the room so that you would attack me, based on our first encounter with each other. The morning after the hurricane had passed I cracked open the door to your room and there you laid down looking at the door. I open the door a little and you rose up and made your way to the door. I was scared that you might snap at me again I slam the door in your face then I heard you scratch the door and cry. At that moment I knew somehow that you were only aggressive because you were frightened. And I was right. The second time I open the door you stood there. I knew we were both scared of each other. You walked towards me, and I stuck out my hand. Then you licked my finger, that same finger I gave to you under the house. I fed you left over spaghetti, that’s where you bad eating habits started out –
Now I remember. You went for a walk with out me in the downpour that evening. I went searching for you in the park, screaming out your name. No answer. My stomach turned. Again I screamed out your name in bloody murder. No answer. My heart was sinking in, the thought of losing you left a bad taste in my mouth. I went home with out you that night. But you were there waiting for me at home, you gave me the instant fulfillment of a new born child. My wings lifted you up and took you in the house. That next morning you didn’t want to open your eyes. You unbearably warm, a whooping cough was the only sign of life that came out of you. The doctor who made the house visit said you had Pneumonia. He lightly whispered with remorse that you were not going to make it. So I stayed with you all day and night on the bed preparing for the sum of all fears. Then you stopped wheezing, it was the only thing you could do. Your chest collapse, and so did mine. My jaw tremble, then fell apart. I held your face in my hands as mom did, and spoke tenderly with a heavy sad heart “Goodbye”. With your face in my hands I saw you chocolate eyes fade, then I shouted “Don’t go away…please just smile, come back and shine just like you used to be!”, and I whispered “Don’t do this to me.”-

Did you know you were my best friend?
Do you remember how we met?
Did you remember our plans?
Did you think you were the only one that lost some one?
Didn’t you have fun that day?
Remember when I took you to the beach?
Did I ever thank you for that?
Was it because I yelled at you?
Do you remember those rainy days, where all we did is mope around?
Where did you go?

Where did you go?
I have received a deep burden living at home. It’s just too hard to exist there. Traces of you pop up. Sometimes I think it’s your spirit playing tricks on me. I found one of my slippers partially buried in the flower garden in the back yard…the other one, or what I think was the other slipper, I found parts of it in your room and in my closet. I found you brushed…chewed at that the handle which is now actually a nub. It still has some of your blond angle hair, I took a few strands of it and bagged it…hopefully I could be able to clone you in the future. I’m going out with the plan, moving to Hawaii. Don’t know what I’ll be doing…selling Hawaiian Snow Cones maybe. I’m going somewhere on the big island…oh, and to add to there genius their language only has twelve letters…honestly who needs “Z”? Oh, and I haven’t told you the best part…you’re coming with me!
The night I settled in to my new part of life, I walked to the shore of the beach. The water crystal clear, the temperature mild, the sweet scent of sugar being caramelized is in the air…someone must be grilling pineapples. I lit one up for you. The day you I took you in; was my last day lighting up, you always kept me high. The sunset’s colors are so rich I fall deeper in thought of you. But then I remember you are at my side, and now it’s time that I let you go. As I open the urn that has holds your ashes, the wind picks you up and out you fly. You are with me again. You are in the each splash that the waves create. You are in the sand the rest in between my toes. You are in the crisp air that my lungs take in. You once bright smile now lights the full moon at night. Your sweetness are in the abundant fruits that grown on the island. Your grace is in the luau dance that the natives celebrate with. Your growl, I can hear in the volcano. Your wild hair is in now in the foliage that I walk by-

Where did you go?
Do you remember how we met?
Did you remember our plans?
Did you think you were the only one that lost some one?
Didn’t you have fun that day?
Remember when I took you to the beach?
Did I ever thank you for that?
Was it because I yelled at you?
Do you remember those rainy days, where all we did is mope around?
Where did you go?

But most importantly…you are in me.

Questioner

Why did you leave?
Were you not happy with me?
Did you think twice before you left?
Did you even turn you head once?
Do you remember the good times we had?
Do you remember the beach? I know you loved it, I could tell by the way you splashed through the water.
What about are walks in the park? I bought ice cream for the two of us.
Why did you leave?
Was it because I told you I had others before you?
Did that make you mad?
But did you know you were the only one?
Do you remember those rainy days when all we did is mope around the house?
Whose arms will you borrow under now when you hear the sound of thunder?
Do you know how much I spent on you just to make sure that you were happy?
Did you know that at the end of a hard day of work I’d always look forward to see your face?
Do you remember when you got sick; I almost lost you, I never left your side.
Do you remember when I got sick, you never left me either. We made a pack to always be by each other.
What happen?
Do you remember those thoughts I shared with you. The ones I never told anyone.
Will you tell them to who you are with now? I trusted you.
What about that comfort feeling that I got from you? Now it feels like I’m walking in total darkness?
If I happen to run into you will you acknowledge me or ignore me like I never was part of your life?
Remember when I did let you go? I was so scared you would never come back, but you did. Now I think you got too comfortable this time, and I don’t think you’re coming back.
Do you remember how we met? You came to me lost drench in the afternoon rain.
What was the reason?
Was it because I yelled at you when you took off without me?
Why did you leave.
Did you remember we had plans; move to Hawaii and live on the beach.
Do you know how much that surf board cost, the one that I bought you?
When did you leave?
Was it at night?
Or was it early in the morning?
Did you open the gate?
Do you know how much pain I go when I our bed and you are not there?
How am I going to tell my friends about you leaving?
Did you know my family loved you too?
Do you know you took my happiness away?
I have a box of your stuff, just in case if you come back.
It’s in the bedroom closet, the same bedroom you slept in.
I thought we would live together, grow old, and die together.
Did you know that I loved you?
Did you know you were my best friend?
You were and still are the best dog anyone could ever have.

Dramatic Monologue

This was the hardest one to write.


I’ve been dating Brandon for about a month now. We met in health class…well I’ve actually had a “thing” for him for a while now. But it was in health class when we really began to talk. He’s smart and funny. Our first assignment was the overrated this life like doll is you baby crap. We were assigned “parents not married”. He did a good job, called me when I had the “kid”, making sure Brandon Jr. was ok. I didn’t have choice in naming our kid; he said he wanted his first kid to be a boy and to be named after him. I was fine with it, but I wanted a girl named Penelope. I think that’s one of the most beautiful names in world. Brandon did a good job in playing the father; he was the only guy in class who knew how to change the diaper. Even the fake lesbian couple failed at that. I could never get that damn doll to stop crying, but Brandon…he would just pick it up rock it and it would stop. He had that touch. He taught me how to hold the baby. “Place the head in the crook of one of your arms and wrap your other arm around the baby or hold the original arm with the second arm. Or you can lay the baby’s chest down over one of your forearms and use your other arm to lie across the baby's back to hold him.” The day I found out we passed the assignment I found him at his locker. I told him it was because he knew what he was doing. He laughed and said that I would make a good mother too some day. I blushed and said thanks and as I walked away he said something that I been waiting to hear. He asked we could hang out someday and we did. Dinner and a movie. He was such a gentleman. He opened the doors for me, paid for everything, and he gave me his jacket when I got cold. After the movie he invited me to his house. I’ve should of said no, but I was afraid that he wouldn’t talked to me if I said no. We sat on the couch and talk. He told me I was beautiful, and then kissed my check. I laughed nervously. Then he kissed my neck. I was scared, but I knew he was a good guy. He took care of our baby. He would do no wrong. I wanted him to stop as he made his way down, unbuttoning my shirt. I guess I was caught up in the moment, I wanted this…I thought. Every thing happened so fast. That was then. This is now. My family are devoted Catholics. If they found out what I am doing, I’ll be crucified. After that night he never called me. At school he does not make eye contact. He makes me feel like I have some kinda growth that’s on my face. This will only take a few minutes, but I know it will last for decades. These posters in the room, showing me how a baby develops in side the womb, it’s too much. I’m not ready…I’m not ready to be a mother. This is guilt, because I wouldn’t have to convince myself that this is the right thing to do. I want to pray. Pray to God. Pray that when this is over to feed my baby when he or she is hungry. Because mommy can’t do it now. Pray that when my baby is crying, that you God will rock him or her to sleep. Because mommy can’t do it now. Pray that when my baby is sleepy that you God will sing him or to sleep. Because mommy can’t do it now. Pray that when it is bath time that you God will clean him with your kisses. Because mommy can’t do it now. Pray that you God will laugh with my baby when he or she laughs. Because mommy can’t do it now. Pray that you God will walk along side with y baby on his or her first steps, not letting him or her fall out of Heaven. Because mommy cant do it now. Your heart will beat stronger than anyone’s, your smile will shine brighter than anyone’s, you laughter will be joyful than anyone’s. Pray to you God, that you will let my baby know that I will always love him or her, that I will always feel empty inside, that I would die for my baby just to meet him or her in Heaven and hold him or her soft body in my arms. I would stop breathing for you just to give what should have been your first breath. I pray to you God, that my baby will forgive me for what I done, because mommy can’t do it now.

Assignment 6 : Pantoum poem

I usually hate poetry, but Pantoum poems; I can make an exceptions for. The format is really cool. You get to build off the lines.
Here is the format if you want to try it out.

They are usually in 4 stanza with 4 lines, but you can do more than 4.
The order is:

1
2
3
4

5 (2)
6 New line
7 (4)
8 New line

9 (6)
10 New line
11 (8)
12 New line

13 (10)
14 (1)
15 (12)
16 (3)

If you do deiced to go on beyond 4 stanzas, keep the pattern. The last stanza will repeat the first and third lines of the poem.




Today was cold
Like Dickenson’s “zero at the bone”.
The wind scratched my face
My heart stood motionless.

Like Dickenson’s “zero at the bone”
It froze solid in me
My heart stood motionless.
I hold my breath

It froze solid in me
My body stood still.
I hold my breath
It touched like death.

My body stood still
My lips chapped
It touched like death
The sun does no justice

My lips chapped,
My nose is numb.
The sun does no justice,
I can not feel its warm rays

My nose is numb
Today was cold
I can not feel its warm rays
The wind scratched my face.

Assignment 4

Read the chapter on Setting. 2 part assignment. Part 1: Pick a setting, do a close up of the setting, then a wide view. Part 2: Pick a setting, do a wide view to a close up.

Part 1 (close up to wide view)

I awoke to the smell of hot buttery pancake batter cooking on the old iron stove. My eyes fixated on the crack in the ill faded red chipped ceiling. It exploded out dead center, then shot down to the right side of the wall the floor and grounding itself to the dull wooden floor planks. It had seemed as if Thor himself existed and he wanted his presence to be known. Getting up from the bed I made my way out of the small room into the hallway. The hallway was a museum of old photos, photos that seemed like they were taken right out of those old black and white turn of the century silent films. Still dazed I entered the kitchen and saw the meal that was being prepared for me. The selection of food was so enormous, it was like I was being sentence to death row and this was my last breakfast. I was now awake. She saw me and a smile grew on her face. She sat me at her small table that only seated one, two if you were lucky. The old beaten broken down duplex that she once reside in now turned in to a castle, I was the King and this was my royal breakfast. The smell of morning dew hits my nostrils, heightening my senses. The grass has been freshly cut. The humidity of the air leaves an uncomfortable sticky feeling on my body. The thin wisp clouds are gently bushed in to the sky. I read her headstone. “Mother, Grandmother, Great-Grandmother.” Closing my eyes, the smell of the buttery pancake batter strikes me again. Later that morning I try to recreate that same memory. But no matter how many times I try, they don’t come out like hers. No one made pancakes as good as she did.

Assignment 3

Create a poem using the Story chapter in the text. Free verse, no rhyming, at least 20 lines and 10 to 14 syllables in each line.


I love the smell of incense that has been lit.

It is my favorite part of church, when the Father rocks the chalice,

back and forth, left to right, releasing the perfumed smoke through out the cathedral.

Today at Robert's funeral, Mass was held at the old Queen of Peace Church.

I haven't been there since I was a kid, back when Father Troy was there.

The funeral mass was like the customary mass, Instruction –

The Liturgy of the Word, which included the, Gathering, Proclaiming, Explaining,

and Praying. Next, The Liturgy of the Eucharist-

that includes the Offering and the Consecrating, better known as the Holy Communion.

But this time the Father at the end of mass went to the casket and spread the smoke

over the casket. In this manner I watched.

The priest took censer that womb the burning sticks and held it

in his right hand at the height of his chest.

He then grasped by the chain near the cover,

and with his left hand, he held the top of the chain

and placed it near his chest.

He then raised the censer upwards to the height of his eyes and gave it a dance

an outward motion and slightly ascending towards the casket

then bringing it back to the starting point.

He then repeated this ballet to each side of the casket. North. South. East. West
.
And then the smell, it is so inspiring, and if not, spiritual.

It's the smell of an angel

I think.

One that was by your side not to long ago.

Assignment 2

Character sketch. Same format as assignment 1, but this time create a character.


After a disabling lecture on the collapse of the American economy, Amber revived herself by a defibulating a shock of thought in to her dead brain. Where to get some lunch? As the professor lectured she thought of places she had seen on the way to school while riding the bus. She remembered seeing a “Grand Opening!” sign that seemed to call her attention by waving at her and only her. It was the new deli shop that had open on the corner of Walker and Main. Amber soon found herself sitting on the patio of the deli shop, waiting for her order she had just placed. Like ants scouring upon a dirt mound, Amber watched the city go by. Out of all of the people that went through her line of vision one person caught her eye.
There across the street from where she was sitting seemed like an infectious abscess that grew out from the concrete sidewalk. Others had not paid attention, they just simply curved around the object and I times put spare change in the man’s cup. Was it strange that she, only her, noticed this brown lump on the ground? The lump moved from time to time, twitching as it tried to come to live. And then it did. The lump seemed to shed its light brown skin. He took off his overly stuffed coat, folded it and put it in his bag.

Assignment #1

Assignment #1:
Write about a moment, a sudden moment of change. Change: meaning of realization that the world around you has change. Example: A little happy girl playing running, and then tripping. Write about her falling and how the her world is changed with pain.

2 pages, double spaced.

On a late drenched lazy Saturday afternoon, there laid Adam’s lifeless body with the television turned on projecting the baseball game. It has seemed as if Adam himself was liquefied on the couch, every part of his body filled the groves on the couch. The rain that was tapping on the nearby window had a hypnotic effect on him. The day was actually preplanned a few days ago by his wife Rebecca. Rebecca had planned to get the mountain of clutter out of the garage and to systematically organize it for the upcoming street garage sale that was allowed two times out of the year due to the neighborhood home owners associations polices. Rebecca came down the stairs in what looked like to be a super hero crime fighting outfit, but this outfit was tailored to fight clutter that was left by negligence over time. Using her superpowers she revived Adam from his deep slumber and manipulated his mind in agreement to start the cleaning process. But before he would start, he grabbed his headset and turned to the station that was airing the baseball game. Just as he had lost all hope in his team winning the game, a sudden change in fate. It was the bottom of the ninth. Visitor 5, Home 4. Number 5 on third, Number 7 on first. Two outs, two balls. A third ball. Then the hit. The ball rocketed to the far left. Foul Adam thought. But no, it was in the line and it went deep in to the green! The opposing team’s left fielder dropped the ball as soon as he caught it. Third to home! 5 to 5! The left fielder overthrew the ball to short stop, first to second base, then a dash to third. Not looking back number 7 continue to run to home, racing with the ball next to him. The slide. SAFE! The home team wins the game! Ecstatic! Electricity pumped through Adams veins. He jumped in the air, finger tips touching the ceiling of the garage. He landed with his hands in the air like a dominate leader of a tribe. A thunderous clap sprang out of his hands. And as just as he turned around the electricity was conducted out of him. There stood dangling in front of him was a dark eight legged creature with six black cold beady eyes and about the size of an American dime. But to Adam it was the biggest spider he had ever seen. Stuck in his tribal position he stood. His skin tightened. The neurons in his brain were not working. Standing there he thought move. He closed his eyes; left leg move back, now right leg move back. He moved. He reopened his eyes, haven’t moved. He only imagined that he backed away. Again he closed his eyes, but this time when he opened his eyes again, it grew to the size of an apple. The air that he had always taken in threw his nostrils in to his trachea and in to the lungs had now seemed to stop. The air pressure around him dropped and chilled. He gasped a short breath of cold air, his lungs collapsed on him. The life box that was inside of him started to beat to an uncoordinated rhythm. It was loud, so loud that the creature took notice of it as well. As it came nearer to Adam, the room started to shrink forcing Adam and the creature to stand closer to each other. Adam blinked and the creature was just as tall as he was. Now the room was spinning, faster and faster it went. Feeling dizzy, Adam knees started to buckle. Saturated in sweat he closed his eyes. He reopened them once more, and the creature was gone. The only movement Adam could have conducted was his eyes as the darted to scope out the room. The spider was crawling on the floor away from him. Trying to step on it, he was still paralyzing. It made its way to the nearby boxes in the shadows it lurked. Adam could still see his refection on those six beady eyes.

a good girl is hard to find

Updated Nov. 8, 2008

Check back after 11pm

So I've been bored at work for the past weeks and I've been writing in my notebook. Mind you that this is post modern America so there will be sex and a few F' bombs. If you are easily offended then maybe this is what you should read.

***What I have updated for today is in red***
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They say love hurts, but maybe it's a good kind of hurt.

There she lay, motionless, still…immobile on the far edge of the right side of the worn out bed. About 3 hours ago she was alive and glowing. About three hours ago, I fucked her. She moved like the waves before a storm, her breathing was serious. She was tight and warm. Her face appeared to be in torture, in some kind of agony every time we would reunite at the waste. Am I pushing too hard? No I can’t be this is how I always do it. I'm losing my focus from thinking too much. Looking in to her eyes reading her thoughts, for some reason I knew she was telling herself, "Just relax, just...rela-". Feeling out of place, I pulled out switching from the male superior missionary set up to the basic girl on top. If I was too hard on her, at least now she has control. But still her face, it’s all that I focused on. Wait, was it her first time?!She came before I did; I wasn’t even half way there. I looked in her eyes as she calmed down, she made it through the day, so far she was almost done.

I remember first seeing her a few weeks ago on my last visit to "the shop". It was a Tuesday, noon-ish. I skipped lunch at school and walked to the uniform brown building five blocks down. That morning I managed to scramble up $30. Thirty dollars, just barely enough for a BJ. I was in such a hurry to make it back to school that I picked the first girl to my right. "Nothing special", I said, "just ah 'Happy Ending." We went down the hall of the hotel in to the janitor’s closet. Only that these "closets" were fix for these types of "social gatherings." I felt her warm kiss on my chest. She took off my shirt and her probing tongue slither in my mouth. I pulled her out of my mouth, “I said nothing special.” I reminded her. She unfastened my belt, and my Levis hit the cold tiled ground. My boxers soon meet with my jeans at the floor. I was hard and on the edge. Done. Pulling my pants and boxers up in a hurry I thought to myself, Shit! Not gonna make it on time for 4 period, who needs English, I already speak it.” “My pay.” said the hooker. “Yeah hold on”, I told her. I reached in my wallet and pulled out two ten dollars, and a five. I reached in my right side pocket and pull our the coinage that would complete the cost of my quick fix, as I did this the coinage exploded out of my pocket. “Sorry, I gotta get back to school, and I left the mosaic coins scattered on the floor and dropped the wadded up bills next to her and left her on her knees. "Ass hole" she called me as I paced out of the closet.

Entering the lobby of the hotel, that’s when I saw her. I've never her seen her at "the shop" before, but there she stood with the others, in "training" as they would say. I caught my self staring at her, so did she. "She ain't ready", said the red headed hooker, "Go on before you get caught for being here."
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Sorry 3 exams this week, no time, just no time at all.

It Must Be A Full Moon.

I don't exactly know how I ended up the Bezonia State Facility. It just...happened. I was 24. One year away from being 98% out of danger for mental illness. 365 days.

Evidently, I told one too many people of my conversations with Jane. Jane & I used to have tea together. I always took mine white with two lumps of sugar. I loved that Jane took hers staight. We'd chat about things, but only important things. Jane was not a woman to be trifled with. I wanted to be just like her. Strong, stimulating, and British. The Lakes? Why yes! She was from the the lakes! She abhorred London. I was quite diverted when she scolded me for admitting my fascination with it.

Once we had this little chat about what right & wrong really meant and how we learned it.

"What if you lived for one day believing the exact opposite of what peopletell you is right? Or, what if you do the exact opposite of what you do now. Don't read...write. Believe?...Don't believe. Don't love...feel indiffernce. Don't wake up...stay in bed."

Yes, Jane was the reason I am at BSF. Little, lovely Jane with her crazy ideas and compelling rants.

So, I stayed in bed. I took four sleeping tablets. I slept for 16 hours together. I woke to 10 messages on my phone. Boss-where are you? Friend-are you ok? Mother-still coming to dinner tonight? etc. "Answer your call...don't answer your calls". I watched the phone float down the bayou. Beautiful.

That night I went to dinner alone. I choose to reject the "Eat?...don't eat" part of Jane's conversation. I ordered a $100 bottle of wine and a $50 steak. I drank and ate the whole thing. I pretended I was going to the restroom but skipped out on my tab through an employee door used mostly for smoke breaks.

Tonight I'll take five tablets and see what that does. Wait, they give me medicine here. Medicine that makes it impossible to think. One of the younger attendents still asks me about Jane. I tell him she comes and visits sometimes, but you know the rules, she can't stay too long. He says, "funny, I checked the visitor list...no one seems to visit you." That's impossible. She and I sit in that room once a month and chat. He injects more fluid into the raw spot on my neck. "I don't belong here.....I don't...."


"Wake up...wake up!"
"J-Jane! What, how'd you..."
"Shhhh...why are you telling people about me?"
"Well..."
"We're not friends."
"We're not?"
"No."
"But you and I ... we ..."
"I know. There is no more 'we'. And now it's time to go."
"Go where"
"Just go"

She covered my face with one of the scratchy pillows from the bed next to mine. She tore out my I.V. and began tearing open my wrist. I screamed. Then I thought. Flashes of pain from before this place. Boyfriends...no boyfriends. Friends...no friends. Listening...no listening. Love...No Love.

A flash of my mom. Oh, I'd miss her.
My old friends. That was a great party!
My cat. He was the best.
None of it was enough though.
None of it was enough.