Hawaiian Snow Cones
Where did you go?
The last memory I have of you was the night before just before we lost power from the storm. I know the exact moment too, 7:45. I was watching a repeat of King of the Hill in our bedroom. From the window I could see the clouds blanketing over the sky. A piercing bright vain burst out from the chariot of the dark clouds. Thunder soon followed the flash of light. It crackled its way down to the earth rumbling the house from its foundations. Then that’s when you came in the room. You dived in to bed and splashed the sheets and pillows on to the floor. You were always afraid of thunder. You buried your head under my arm just to hush the noise. Other times you would lay your head on my chest listening to the beating of my heart hoping that the rhythm would beat the competition of the thunder. Your big brown chocolate eye, that’s what always got me. I was constantly a sucker for those eyes. At times I would get lost in them. Other times I would just endlessly stare at them. I remember that time you left without telling me. You came back though. But how could I stay so mad at you? Just one look is all it took, one look with those droopy puppy eyes that you had special training in showcasing. Just one look and my heart fell -
Do you remember those rainy days, where all we did is mope around?
Where did you go?
Was it because I yelled at you?
Before that you were asleep on the couch, twitching. Did you have a bad day? I meant to ask you that. I’m sorry that I forgot. You always like to hear about my day, you never interrupted me. I remember coming home from work one day, such a bad day. It started off bad that morning. I had to change clothes because I spilled coffee on my shirt. Walking down the stairs my messenger bag opened and the papers spatter out everywhere. Then I had to put them back in order. I must have been running at least forty five minutes late, but you were so patient with me. You didn’t yell, you didn’t sigh, and you didn’t even give me a look. You just stood there waiting. You tried to help me, but I was too fucking pissed off at myself, I egoistically yelled at you, “I CAN GET IT MYSELF!” But you were only trying to help. You stepped aside and let me have my moment. My selfish moment. You said goodbye to me, but I was still in that moment. I just slammed the door and left you alone. All day I thought to myself what a dick I was to you that morning. I came home from work that day, and for some reason you were happy to see me. It was like that morning never happened. You never brought it up-
Did I ever thank you for that?
Was it because I yelled at you?
Do you remember those rainy days, where all we did is mope around?
Where did you go?
Remember when I took you to the beach?
You had never been. I could tell because as we drove over the causeway you stuck you head out the wind smelling the gulf salty air. For me it was different. I could smell my childhood in gulf. The endless amounts of suntan lotion that mom made me put on, but no matter how many layers of lotion I had on me, I still got sun burned. The smell of charred hotdogs also struck me as we crossed over the cause way. I heard my parents debating that the wieners were done. “None of that this weekend, we’re having stakes”, I thought to myself. I watched you close your eyes as you took it in. You were in heaven. When you opened your eyes they grew to the size of a melon. I know how you love to swim at the lake. I could only imagine what you were feeling inside when you saw the ocean. You almost jumped out of the car! And you did when we finally got to the beach house. You ran to the back where the ocean greeted your feet. I caught up with you and there you waited. You were so happy; the smile on your face was the best part of that day. It covered you entire face. I wanted to settle in before we actually went in the water, but then those damn eyes of yours suckered me again. I dropped everything I had and headed towards you. You jumped with so much oomph you touched the sky. I caught you in mid air and threw you in the water. You didn’t seem to like that. But you got over it. You splashed for hours. I sat to the side watching you, and you had too much energy stored in you. You went at it until the sun started to float on the sea and the cool breeze settled in. I got tired just by watching you all evening-
Didn’t you have fun that day?
Remember when I took you to the beach?
Did I ever thank you for that?
Was it because I yelled at you?
Do you remember those rainy days, where all we did is mope around?
Where did you go?
Did you think you were the only one that lost some one?
That month was hard. Right It was the same month that mom died. Mom always loved you. She always looked forward seeing you when we visited her. He face lit up like it was Christmas. I’d never told you this, but I got jealous of the two of you. I reminded myself that you didn’t have a mother of your own, and mom was yours just as well as mine. Now I know why you took her death hard, hard just as I did. We sat in her hospital room, but they wouldn’t let you in because you weren’t family. With mom’s last small degree of energy, she demanded that you be in the room with us. That was her last dying wish, to see you face before she left us. You rested you head in the palm of her hands as she staggery spoke her last words to you and only you, “Thank you…for talking care of him…and for keeping him out of trouble.” Then the life in her eyes faded and the electrocardiograph machine flat line above us. It was the worse sound we ever heard. You howled in to the now lifeless air. I had to take you out of the room. She loved you. I was shattered after that; I had no intention of living as well. You were there to build me up, pick up the pieces of who I used to be-
Did you know that others cared for you?
Did you think you were the only one that lost some one?
Didn’t you have fun that day?
Remember when I took you to the beach?
Did I ever thank you for that?
Was it because I yelled at you?
Do you remember those rainy days, where all we did is mope around?
Where did you go?
Did you remember our plans?
Every evening just before the sun would hide itself on the horizon we would take are ritual walk through the park. That was my favorite part of the day. We took the nature trail because I know how you love to see the squirrels, you always tried to catch one. Autumn was your favorite time of the year to talk our walks. The bushy tailed rodents were everywhere collecting and preparing for their upcoming winter slumber. The rusty color leaves fluttered from the sky, I’d watch you as you tried to catch them in your mouth. Every Wednesday we would take the alternate route. It sidelined by the neighborhood pool and the children’s playground. That was our pit stop for our evening snack. You always heard the heavenly bells of Mr. Stand’s Galaxy Ice Cream truck first. You would tilt your head towards the direction of the bells until the sound registered with the image of your favorite snow white vanilla flavored ice cream, and the crunchy waffle cone that hugged the ice cream in its secured place. “And let’s add some rainbow sprinkles! Always free of charge for the pretty blond of course”, he would say to you. Then we would sit at our bench and watch the sun set down with its brilliant pinks and oranges highlighting the sky. The clouds were gently brushed in to the sky. Then old man winter blew in forcefully. But that didn’t stop us from our walks. One day it was so cold that we didn’t get to take a walk. You’ve been inside all day, you were inching to leave the house. Not even you favorite black sweater would of kept you warm. That’s when I told you about my plan. “Let’s move to Hawaii.” Yeah, Hawaii! The weather is always nice, no cold winters, no hot summers. Mild all year round. We could live on the beach, you can practically go swimming all year round. And they have this thing over there called a Hawaiian Snow Cone. What they do is they shave a huge block of ice- shaved ice makes it fluffier and flakier like real snow…that’s kinda funny if you think about it. The Hawaiians can make snow cones that look and feel like snow, better than those people who actually live in it up north. OH!!!And the best part is that before they put the ice and syrup in the cone…get ready…they put a scoop of ice cream at the bottom. Yeah..I know right! Fucking geniuses!” That was the plan…but you didn’t stay long enough. You didn’t stay to see it through. Now when I take my walks, it’s like I’m walking in total darkness. Your bright smile is not there to light the way home. Sunsets are just meaningless colors. I sit on the bench eating ice cream for one now-
What about are walks in the park? I bought ice cream for the two of us.
Did you remember our plans?
Did you think you were the only one that lost some one?
Didn’t you have fun that day?
Remember when I took you to the beach?
Did I ever thank you for that?
Was it because I yelled at you?
Do you remember those rainy days, where all we did is mope around?
Where did you go?
Do you remember how we met?
The power must have come back on early in the morning. When I woke up the clock was annoying flashing 12:00am. I looked to the right side of me and you weren’t there. I thought to myself that you might have gotten hot with the power off and went to your room. I walked through the hallway in to the restroom. The tiles on the bathroom floor held hostage the icy coldness that the night had brought. I called out your name asking where my slippers are, you had them last night. You didn’t respond or follow my voice. Walking back in the hallway this time through to your room. The hallway was a museum of pictures of you with family and friends. The photos were shot with my fathers ancient 35mm SLR Nikon F camera. He only used the camera once or twice until he found out that the Japanese manufacture it. The pictures looked like they came out of one of those black and white turn of the century films. My favorite one is the one of you at the beach. This time the family came along with us. You and dad where playing with the frisbee. You darted across the sand dunes and the like a rocket, take off in to space catching the frisbee. I have that memory etched in my mind, you should have taken that photo with you. I walked in your room and you weren’t there on your bed.
I saw the collar that you wore the first day we met. By your pink bowl next to the exaggerated white t-bone shaped rugged. It seemed like angles and demons were having the last battle in the sky above the city, it was the end of days. The hurricane would hit in a few hours ,and like the typical American I did some last minute boarding up the windows thinking that the hurricane would not hit. I heard you whimpering under the house. And there you were, wet down to your bones. You growled at me as I reached for you, but you snapped at me with your canines and almost took my finger. I gave you the finger and told you to eat it and walked back to the front side of the house. The rain was coming down harder, it slapped the back of my neck harder and harder as I finished the last board on the window. I ran back to porch and then there you were passed out, tired from trying to stay alive. Like a new born baby I carried you and brought you in to the house. I dried you off and your blond hair started to show. I put you in what was – in now what is your room, bedding made of towels and sheets. I shut the door to the room so that you would attack me, based on our first encounter with each other. The morning after the hurricane had passed I cracked open the door to your room and there you laid down looking at the door. I open the door a little and you rose up and made your way to the door. I was scared that you might snap at me again I slam the door in your face then I heard you scratch the door and cry. At that moment I knew somehow that you were only aggressive because you were frightened. And I was right. The second time I open the door you stood there. I knew we were both scared of each other. You walked towards me, and I stuck out my hand. Then you licked my finger, that same finger I gave to you under the house. I fed you left over spaghetti, that’s where you bad eating habits started out –
Now I remember. You went for a walk with out me in the downpour that evening. I went searching for you in the park, screaming out your name. No answer. My stomach turned. Again I screamed out your name in bloody murder. No answer. My heart was sinking in, the thought of losing you left a bad taste in my mouth. I went home with out you that night. But you were there waiting for me at home, you gave me the instant fulfillment of a new born child. My wings lifted you up and took you in the house. That next morning you didn’t want to open your eyes. You unbearably warm, a whooping cough was the only sign of life that came out of you. The doctor who made the house visit said you had Pneumonia. He lightly whispered with remorse that you were not going to make it. So I stayed with you all day and night on the bed preparing for the sum of all fears. Then you stopped wheezing, it was the only thing you could do. Your chest collapse, and so did mine. My jaw tremble, then fell apart. I held your face in my hands as mom did, and spoke tenderly with a heavy sad heart “Goodbye”. With your face in my hands I saw you chocolate eyes fade, then I shouted “Don’t go away…please just smile, come back and shine just like you used to be!”, and I whispered “Don’t do this to me.”-
Did you know you were my best friend?
Do you remember how we met?
Did you remember our plans?
Did you think you were the only one that lost some one?
Didn’t you have fun that day?
Remember when I took you to the beach?
Did I ever thank you for that?
Was it because I yelled at you?
Do you remember those rainy days, where all we did is mope around?
Where did you go?
Where did you go?
I have received a deep burden living at home. It’s just too hard to exist there. Traces of you pop up. Sometimes I think it’s your spirit playing tricks on me. I found one of my slippers partially buried in the flower garden in the back yard…the other one, or what I think was the other slipper, I found parts of it in your room and in my closet. I found you brushed…chewed at that the handle which is now actually a nub. It still has some of your blond angle hair, I took a few strands of it and bagged it…hopefully I could be able to clone you in the future. I’m going out with the plan, moving to Hawaii. Don’t know what I’ll be doing…selling Hawaiian Snow Cones maybe. I’m going somewhere on the big island…oh, and to add to there genius their language only has twelve letters…honestly who needs “Z”? Oh, and I haven’t told you the best part…you’re coming with me!
The night I settled in to my new part of life, I walked to the shore of the beach. The water crystal clear, the temperature mild, the sweet scent of sugar being caramelized is in the air…someone must be grilling pineapples. I lit one up for you. The day you I took you in; was my last day lighting up, you always kept me high. The sunset’s colors are so rich I fall deeper in thought of you. But then I remember you are at my side, and now it’s time that I let you go. As I open the urn that has holds your ashes, the wind picks you up and out you fly. You are with me again. You are in the each splash that the waves create. You are in the sand the rest in between my toes. You are in the crisp air that my lungs take in. You once bright smile now lights the full moon at night. Your sweetness are in the abundant fruits that grown on the island. Your grace is in the luau dance that the natives celebrate with. Your growl, I can hear in the volcano. Your wild hair is in now in the foliage that I walk by-
Where did you go?
Do you remember how we met?
Did you remember our plans?
Did you think you were the only one that lost some one?
Didn’t you have fun that day?
Remember when I took you to the beach?
Did I ever thank you for that?
Was it because I yelled at you?
Do you remember those rainy days, where all we did is mope around?
Where did you go?
But most importantly…you are in me.
